So my friend is seeing this ridiculous me-cow. I don't know what he sees in this girl. She uses him all the time. Not that that is horrible but she is seeing other dudes on the side. Hell, she's even been flirting with me recently and she has taken to texting me something fierce. I don't know what to do about all of this. I've got to slap some sense into my friend but I don't know how. He won't listen to me.

In other news, the girl I'm friends with and wanted to date hasn't talked to me since the early part of this month. I don't know what is up with that either. I thought we were progressing nicely and I got her this really awesome birthday gift, which she thoroughly enjoyed, and that was the last I heard from this person. Nice.

I wish I didn't have a conscience. It took one person to change me. And now, I have feelings and stuff I never analyzed before. Basically, I'm more inclined to care about someone else. Maybe those feelings were always there and I just suppressed them. Regardless, I can't go back. I can't undo the change. I want to. Badly. But I can't. So instead I sit and think and try to understand the complexities of past relationships and why they failed and how to apply that to future relationships. It would be much simpler if the person who had awakened these feelings was with me to guide me down this road. But paths converge and diverge and I'm afraid our paths are going a separate way. Maybe someday, ours paths will cross again. Maybe. In the meantime, I have to deal with dating strange women who every day get a little bit stranger.

I just got back from karaoke. Where I busted out 4 or 5 Neil Diamond songs. I had a good time. Something I haven't experienced in awhile. Most of you know I'm a recovering lovesick douche bag so I won't reprise any of that nonsense here. I will say that karaoke is liberating. I love getting in front of the mike and doing my thing. My thing being very terrible at singing.. Unless it's Neil Diamond. Apparently, I do a serviceable Neil Diamond. :)

I think I need to apologize for my last posting. Someone got under my skin and I let it bother me. I don't do a lot of this online stuff and I only just remembered that no one wins these stupid arguments.

Oh, on a different note, I'm thinking about moving. I just don't know where. I'm looking for more of a metropolis type place. I like lots of people but I can do small towns too. I'm looking for a change of scenery. I've lived in my hometown forever and I want to live somewhere nice. Not that my hometown isn't nice. It's just not what I need.

I don't have much to post about really. I've been seeing no one. At least, not in the last few weeks...I feel kinda bad though because she and I have been in contact a few times this week. I know I can't let this go any further but that doesn't stop me from thinking about it. Today, I was driving by and had lunch near where she works and I almost went in. Thankfully, no one saw me. At least, I think no one saw me. Too bad there isn't a methodone clinic for love.

She messaged me today. I guess she wants me to entertain her. Perhaps to rehash old times. She wants the dashing jackass who loved every woman and many times did. The hopeless romantic doomed to fail at relationships not because they were flawed but because he was. The endless source of support and well-being. The confidant, the movie goer, the exercise enthusiast, the clown, the savior, the strong arm, and the tender shoulder. And while at one point I was all of those things, I've since become an angry despondent jerk who isn't fit for going to a country western bar. Even if I could reconcile my feelings and give our friendship another go it wouldn't be the same. Bottom line is that I can't go back to being just friends. Is that selfish? Yes. Her feelings are important to me. A little too important. Ever since I figured out that I was in love with her I knew I had to break off our friendship. I've regretted it ever since but it's still the right move. I'm not denying that. But I don't know how to say "Go away." I wish she would just leave me be. I think given enough time I can get over her and find my own way. And maybe in the future, years from now, we could maybe be friends again. But she won't leave me alone. She invades my thoughts even now. Which is completely unfair.

On a different note, well not completely different, I've been talking it up with this blonde girl I met a few nights ago. She isn't like the usual. She's actually read a few books. Not bad.

And my friend finally went out on a date. It was tonight. I can't wait to hear about it. Wait. Damn, I sound like a woman. Anyway, he was pretty excited and I was excited for him. His ex really fucked him over and I'm glad he's finally putting his feet forward. Good for him. Now if only I could do the same.

Current Location: church lock in
Current Music: David Vandervelde

I went out tonight with a friend. His woman left him after a few years of marriage. They have two kids and it didn't go well for him. He only gets custody a few weekends out of the month. As much as I think I know what he's going through, I don't. He wants to meet girls because he's used to being with someone all the time and it hurts him not having someone. It was a symbiotic relationship that he had. He needed her and she needed him. That is until she met someone else and she booted him out of her life. I think I know how he feels somewhat. Maybe not completely. But somewhat. It's that hero syndrome. You need someone who needs you. And you need them too. But that's not apparent right away. You only know you need them when it's too late. When it's too late to fix anything. When all the night's you should have said 'I love you' you didn't. When you should have shown her that you loved her and you didn't.

I know he loves his kids. I know that. I don't have any children and it pains me a little. It's not that I don't want kids. Quite the opposite. But most women I date aren't interested in children. In fact, just the admission that I would want children is enough to send them running. So I hardly ever bring it up. But looking at my friend in pain I wonder why I ever would. Kids are awesome though. But unfortunately whenever I think about having kids it reminds me of her. Hell, whenever i think about anything it reminds me of her.

She has two kids, a wonderful life and an alright husband. I have no kids, unmarried, and I'm going steady with my computer. Pretty lousy by comparison. Some days I wonder if I should just move and put some distance between me and all this depression. Maybe, distance if not time could do some healing.

Current Location: fortress of solitude
Current Music: muse

I reach over and hit the bleeting mechanical wake nazi that is my alarm clock, of which in hell, I'm fairly certain there are probably scores of these things. I'm tempted at times like these to say 'fuck it' and roll over and go to sleep. Then I'm reminded of work and bills and things like that and all thoughts of rebellion are immediately squashed under the iron boot heel of indentured servitude. When I'm done with my work I try to find the time to keep up relations with my friends. I barely have any kind of relationship with my family. I love them but I don't know them. And then there is my love life. Non-existent. I haven't wanted to love anyone for quite some time. That's not entirely true. I've wanted to love someone.

I haven't written anything on here in quite a while. I could say that it has to do with work or something like that but I know better. I know in my heart that when I come on here I really want to let loose and pour my heart onto a page but I feel guilty for doing it. It feels like a cheap attempt to get attention. I want someone to understand my hurt and my pain. It's a silly thing because so many people have felt more pain than me. Some days I don't even know why I don't just let it go and just move on. I can only say that I don't know how. When you love someone for a long period of time how do you just stop? I'm trying to get over it. I've dated other women and it's just not the same. They don't feel the same. They don't smile the same. They don't laugh the same. They don't smell the same. And they don't love the same. They're so many things that are different about her that I can't list them all. Like for instance, Her right leg seemed a hair shorter than her left. I mean every time we would go walking together or we would be in a grocery store together she would list into me. We would have a good laugh about it and what have you. It's little things like that that I think about. Those are the things that I care about. The things that I carry around with me. When I'm in my car and I hear our song or when I'm in a best buy and I see a movie we watched together I experience a loss so profound that I just kinda feel removed from everything. I don't feel anything at all. Sometimes this lasts for a few seconds and sometimes a few minutes. Then the world starts to come back into view and I can sorta function for a time. I want more than anything to just be over her. And maybe one day I can write something that doesn't feel like self-pity or self-indulgent crap.

She's gone. Or she was never here. I would like to think it's the latter. Only there's no masking her scent. It's everywhere. It's in the pillows, the blankets, the couch. Her sweet smell comes to me now. Yeah, I remember asking her what that scent was. She said it was just her shampoo. I remember thinking she had lied to me. Funny that I should think about that now. Now, as I'm sitting here in the dark trying to recall some tiny detail or another I swear I could sculpt her face from memory alone. Only I can't sculpt. This is sounding to obsessive.

Where are my manners? People may actually read this. Well let's see. I've gotten back on the horse and made a go of meeting another woman that I'll fall madly in love with. I'm sure that will happen any day now. Only a matter of time.

The right thing isn't always the right thing. I gave up on my happiness to insure another's. If this were the west I would be the one with the bullet in my gut slowly bleeding out in the desert knowing my life was given so my love would live on. Only this isn't the west and I'm not shane. Hell, I'm not even David.

Current Location: Behind you
Current Music: run of the mill tripe

Being creative is a gift and it's one that I don't possess. I do, however, possess wit, humor, and on a good day, some charm. My needs are simple. I only desire every woman, chilled port, & a copy of the latest times. I usually settle for one 7, a yuengling, & the latest hulk. In situations such as this the blame falls, as usual, on god.

I've been up all night. Climbing the walls like a crack addict. All I can do to waste the time is type on here and occasionally give some advice to some of these other poor souls. Not like they want it or need it but it still feels good. And I need their advice as well. This collective is better than a psychologist and cheaper too. I feel bad putting my problems on show when there is so much suffering going on in the world but I can't keep it inside. I don't know. This whole journal thing makes me feel weak. I never used to need this. I used to be able to get by without writing and analyzing my feelings. Am I not a man anymore? Maybe I should go punch something. I need to get some sleep.